STDASB: THE SEQUEL REPUBLISHED. By @_CarltonCole9
Hello there people. As some of you remember, I made a predictions article at the beginning of the season for WHUFCTV.com. However, a few months after I wrote the article, they decided to banter me off and get shut down (RIP in pieces), taking my article with them. But since a number of people asking about it (the number being about 3), here it is by sort of popular demand.This is 100% the article that was posted on WHUFCTV.com with one or two changes/additions which will be fairly obvious. Other than that, this is 100% my predictions, majority of which are wrong, but one notable prediction near the end of the article that may have actually come true.
WARNING: There is strong language and wild (mainly fictional) accusations throughout, so if you can’t handle it, it is likely that your Dad eats Pringles with a knife and fork and passed his spasticated genetics on to you, hence the reason you are so fucked up and you look like Luke Chadwick after coming out of a microwave. Anyways, that’s enough of me talking, enjoy x.
It’s been a year since I did that article where I tried to predict things that would happen in the footballing world. And for some reason, people requested another one for the upcoming season, so here you are. I’m sure you are aware of how sequels work; the first one is a surprise success (apart from Grown Ups) and then the 2nd one is absolute dogshite (like why the fuck would they make a Grown Ups 2 when the first one was absolute wank? Get your shit together Hollywood. Is it possible to give Adam Sandler a film version of a vasectomy?), but don’t worry as I’m sure this article will be no exception to the rule. I apologise in advance for this shithousery.
August started off with the 2nd leg of the Europa League qualifier against Romanian car manufacturers FC Astra, but as I’m not sure if this article is out before or after that game, I’m just gonna skip my prediction. Meaning this paragraph is completely irrelevant and you have accomplished absolutely nothing by reading it. As you are still reading it, I am taking away more seconds of your precious time. Lmao at your life.
That takes us to the opening day of the Premier League. The early kickoff, Man Utd v Spurs, was abandoned after 52 minutes. With Spurs 4-0 up, Louis Van Gaal’s tactic of turning Old Trafford into a rabbit farm over the summer worked, arousing a Viagra-fuelled Harry Kane. West Ham travelled to The Emirates on the Sunday for our Lord and saviour Slaven Bilic’s first league match. It ended 1-0 to the Hammers after the well endowed Diafra Sakho ripped off Petr Cech’s helmet with his helmet and strangled the Czech Cech to death, meaning that Enner Valencia, fresh from his role as a malnourished Ethiopian in a Red Cross TV appeal, was allowed a tap in. Wins against Leicester and Bournemouth left West Ham top of the league, continuing the tradition of giving fans optimism before inevitably crumbling.
Elsewhere, Adam Johnson was found guilty of having sex with an underage girl, but was given a lenient sentence in return for snitching on fellow footballers. Subsequently, Jack Rodwell got arrested for speeding, Steven Fletcher got done for fraud (he wrote down on his tax forms “professional footballer” under occupation) and John O’Shea got arrested purely for the fact that he is John O’Shea. All 4 were sentenced to spend time in HM Prison Durham for their offences. Three days later, Newcastle United released a statement that Tim Krul had been arrested on the charge that “The prison officers were only a goalkeeper away from a cracking prison five-a-side team and a possible reboot of ‘Mean Machine.’”
Transfer Deadline Day, or Jim White Day as it is known to people who almost definitely have indecent pictures of children on their laptops, came about again. The main talking point was Crystal Palace having their £14million bid for Adam Lallana accepted only for the England international to fail his medical on the ground that he wasn’t Adam Lallana and was, in-fact, Adam The Llama who didn’t have the same playing abilities as Lallana, despite having a similar facial hair structure. West Ham continued their deadline day tradition of being linked with every single player, good or bad, dead or alive, and ending up with fuck all. Smashing banter as per.
On the pitch, the opening game of the month was a poor 3-0 loss at home to Newcastle. But when all is bad, you must take the positives out. Kevin Nolan was ruled out for the season with a double leg break after getting two-footed by a cocaine-fuelled Julian Dicks in the 8th minute. Our European adventure also started this month and after getting drawn with Lazio, Galatasaray and Beitar Jerusalem, all you could think is “What could possibly go wrong?” Adolf Hitler must’ve been watching that draw with a massive erection. Our first game against Galatasaray ended in a victory which gave us momentum to a 1-1 draw with Man City the following Sunday, Kouyate equalising in the 69th minute because he’s a #CheekyBanterLAD. A win against Norwich meant that the Hammers were in the top 4. What could possibly go wrong with a team like West Ham in the top 4?In other news, Roy Hodgson was sacked as England manager after an incredibly racist and homophobic tirade directed at Olympic champion and national treasure Mo Farah was released.
In other news, Roy Hodgson was sacked as England manager after an incredibly racist and homophobic tirade directed at Olympic champion and national treasure Mo Farah was released. Hodgson is believed to have said “Mo Farah? More like hoMo Fagga? AMIRITELADS?!?!??! I preferred him when he was in that Red Cross advert with Enner Valencia” before adding “he definitely shags Quorn imo”. This rant left the melted-faced Hodgson without a job, a national disgrace and even worse, the new leader of UKIP.
The footballing world rejoiced after news filtered in that our former, current and future president of FIFA Sepp Blatter had been brutally murdered. His ashes, as requested, were sprinkled over Greg Dyke’s tits and snorted by Vladimir Putin with a 500 Qatar Riyal note.
West Ham’s 1-0 victory over Crystal Palace was a memorable one after Slaven Bilic saved a Jason Puncheon penalty. Adrian got sent off for a last-man foul and after Darren Randolph moved to Syria to fight for ISIS, West Ham were without a goalkeeper. Our supreme leader Slaven decided to step up to the task as he believed that he could do anything. And, of course, he can. Just to show how easy it is, he did it whilst delivering a baby and playing Dmitri Shostakovich’s Symphony No. 7 on the xylophone. Mauro Zarate got injured in the Europa league victory over Beitar Jerusalem, meaning that West Ham had their annual striker dilemma. Sakho had been deported because of new laws put in by new prime minister Roy Hodgson (UKIP got into power because parliament decided they didn’t have enough banter), Andy Carroll was ruled out for the season with a paper cut, Modibo Maiga reverted back to reptilian form and Enner Valencia got adopted by Madonna. There was only one man West Ham could turn to. Yours truly, Carlton Cole.
Carlton was re-re-signed after his 1 month deal at Sam Allardyce’s Real Madrid expired, only scoring 5 goals in his 2 games at the Bernebeau. He was signed just in time for the game against Watford, where, as the only recognised striker at the club, he made his 3rd and probably not his last debut for the club. He scored 2 goals in a 3-0 victory – Doneil Henry scoring the other – and after his 2nd went in, he glanced around the stadium, simultaneously impregnating every female and some males in the stadium. The hero has returned.
In a season full of continued traditions, one of West Ham’s more recent traditions was kept going after a Romelu Lukaku 94th minute goal secured a 2-1 win for the Toffees. There was crowd trouble in the West Ham-Tottenham Derby match as fans found it difficult to watch 3 teams playing at the same time. However, after Derby realised they were at the wrong game in the wrong division, play resumed and West Ham won 3-0. Spurs were in the relegation zone for the majority of the season due to them relying on Roberto Soldado for goals after not buying any strikers and Harry Kane getting arrested for killing Curley’s wife.
No more than a month after re-re-signing for West Ham, Carlton Cole was re-re-released from his contract after a break-up text with West Ham. “It’s just not working.” wrote Cole “it’s not you, it’s me. I think we need some time apart so we can better ourselves. I think we would be better as just friends rather than more than friends x.” West Ham then lost their next game against West Brom 8-0 with Brown Ideye scoring 6. Coincidence? I think not.
In global news, the UN called an emergency meeting about the erratic behaviour of Guy Demel. After getting released by West Ham, his life spiralled out of control and he became number 1 on the FBI’s most wanted list after destroying Buckingham Palace by sneezing on it. Luckily only Camilla Parker-Bowles was killed. He fled to South Sudan in hiding and after a few dodgy deals with the government, he became the legal dictator and supreme leader of South Sudan. After cleansing everyone in the country with the name “Carl” or “Jenkinson”, he and his female child soldiers turned South Sudan into his own business, with the peasants as his employees, killing off the weak and making love to the strong. He also changed over 700 words in the language to Demel, such as Yes, No, Love, Whipped Cream, Naked and Poo. This led to some confusion among the South Sudanese people, as displayed in the hit South Sudanese rom-com blockbuster “Demels With Benefits”.
DEMEL1: “Hey Demellina, do you want to make sweet Demel tonight”
DEMEL1: “Ooh baby. You make my Demel hard. Can I lick Demel off your Demel body?”
DEMEL1: “Ok. Here goes nothing [squats] ahh”
DEMELLINA: “WHAT THE DEMEL?! YOU HAVE DEMEL’D ALL OVER ME! THERE IS DEMEL ON THE BEDSHEETS! THIS IS WHY I DIDNT WANT TO MAKE DEMEL TO YOU!”
DEMEL1: “But when I asked you said Demel!”
DEMELLINA: “I said Demel, not Demel!”
DEMEL1: “Ohh. I am a silly Demel”
Both on and off the pitch, this was a massive month to forget for West Ham. Like literally, [5-0 to Forest and 6-0 to City in 4 days] x [Gerrard from 40 yards] x [Birkirkara away] x [Avram Grant] = December 2015. It all stemmed from the fall of the West Ham hierarchy. It started with the death of Karren Brady who was killed by Margaret Mountford for apparently “stealing her fuckboy.” 3 days later David Gold got arrested due to… (Us at ReadWestHam will not let Carlton finish this sentence for legal purposes. We don’t want another Independent article about this FFS.) He was found out after the Met Police investigated a tweet posted in early September 2015 saying “Happy Jim White Day. dg”. This left only David Sullivan intact in the boardroom, who succumbed to the pressure and revealed that he was actually Danny DeVito in a mask and a Russian hat. This left Twitter celebrity Jack Sullivan-DeVito in temporary ownership of West Ham.
The strain behind the scenes showed on the pitch. Not only did West Ham lose all 5 games in the month making us slip to 9th in the league, but a Ravel Morrison scorpion kick from 40 yards in the 91st minute against Lazio knocked us out of the Europa League. There were small signs that Slaven Bilic was actually human after all. This was West Ham’s bi-annual crisis.
Away from this Monthus Horribilus, it was the Sports Personality of the Year awards. Even though it should have deservedly gone to Chris Froome for his Tour De France victory, BBC decided to allow fans to vote through social media in an attempt to become more appealing to the new generation. Anyway, here were the results:
3) Ty from ArsenalFanTV
Ok good news for a change. West Ham were bought out on New Years Day. Bad news is that it was a 4-way joint bid from Vincent Tan, Ken Bates, Lord Voldemort and Neil Warnock, the latter of which had to sell his quarter early because of financial trouble as a result of getting fired from Gringott’s.
The very basic financial boost proved wonders on the pitch, with a 1-0 win over Liverpool, with Matt Jarvis rabona’ing the winner. Naturally when someone as dogshit as Matt Jarvis scores a rabona against a team who has won the Champions League 5 times, the authorities were notified and made him take a drugs test. The front page of the Daily Star the next showed Jarvis sniffing ketamine off an OAP hooker’s tits (later revealed to be Carol Vorderman) and was banned from football for 6 months. West Ham were delighted by this as they had a reason to sack him and had no idea why they employed him to play football for 3 and a half years. At the end of the month, West Ham played a Raheem Sterling-less Manchester City as Raheem was on call to help Fred, Daphne, Shaggy and Scooby solve mysteries. A 4-1 Hammers victory signalled the end of Avram Grant’s short tenure at the Etihad.
Elsewhere it was Ballon D’or time. As predicted, Lionel Messi won the award for the record 5th time for his strong hand in helping Barcelona win La Liga and The Champions League, captaining Argentina to runner-up in the Copa America and to top it all off, he hates war and thinks animal cruelty is bad so #respect <Malay>. As went up to collect his award from interim FIFA president and owner of Saudi club Rizzel Kickers, Mahmadou D’Hump, suddenly an army of 10-20 pre-teen girls in army uniform burst on to the stage bludgeoning Lionel Messi to death and firing a gun that shoots out leukaemia at D’Hump. They then stood in a line. 3 more female child soldiers rolled out a red carpet. A man with a receding hairline, a Rhombus shaped head and an Irish accent took the microphone and the award from the semi-dead Messi and announced to the audience “Please make way for the supreme leader and controller of the skies of South Sudan, King Guy Demel, The Well Endowed.” A portly man walked down the red carpet as all of the child soldiers and Joey O’Brien chorused the new South Sudanese national anthem of “He’s big. He’s silly. He’s got a massive willy. Guy Demel. Guy Demel.” Demel then took to the stage and announced: “Sperm holders and gentlemen. Although I retired from English football last year, I still deserve this award. In South Sudan I am the league’s top scorer, top assister and I shag the most bitches. Therefore, I deserve the award.” After realising his story was true and trying to prevent a war, FIFA officials allowed this and Guy Demel won the Ballon D’Or. The officials were then seduced by the child soldiers and/or Joey O’Brien.
It was Transfer Deadline Day, or Jim White Day as it is officially known in the UK. It was officially made a national holiday after a debate in the House of Commons as all of the new Tory Cabinet featuring Gary Glitter, Rolf Harris, various Catholic priests and Noel Edmonds all admitted that they used it regularly and felt it would be a fitting tribute to their idol. West Ham actually broke their tradition of signing no one on deadline day by confirming the signings of Seydou Doumbia and Obafemi Martins, after what the club described as “intensive scouting”. They forgot to mention in their announcement that Guy Demel actually held all our scouts in South Sudanese labour camps for signing Carl Jenkinson twice and our only scouting database was FIFA 16 Ultimate Team.
The day after Jim White Day, our 2 strikers were in action against rivals for 4th place Aston Villa. Although Villa won 3-2 and looked certain to make a run at the title, at the end of the game it was discovered that Tim Sherwood was actually locked up in Randy Lerner’s basement and being used as a gimp as a result of the sales of Fabian Delph, Christian Benteke and the leagues’ top scorer Emmanuel Adebayor. Lerner had an actor to replace Sherwood so no one would notice. He was caught as the actor Lerner hired was Danny Dyer and although they sound the same, Dyer is a shit actor. Villa were forced to forfeit the match 3-0. West Ham then won 2 of their 3 other games in that month to put them 4th in the league, but only on banter points achieved (BPA replaced Goal difference. You could earn BPA by doing banters on Twitter. West Ham were ahead of Liverpool on BPA after Andy Carroll was the first to reply to a Gary Lineker tweet with ‘Shat on pitch’ and Diego Poyet called a Spurs fan’s mother a whorebag.)
In football politics, it was the FIFA elections. Even though he was dead, Sepp Blatter was still the 2/1 favourite for the post. However, it went to Prince Ali of Jordan, beating Platini, Luis Figo and Barry Chuckle. Suddenly, the ground started shaking. It was an earthquake, but not just any earthquake. This earthquake opened up a hole in the ground, and a number of Zombies came up from hell. You could just about recognise Zombie Hitler, Zombie Idi Amin, Zombie Saville, Zombie Gadaffi and Zombie Tony Blair. They all parted to allow one frail, balding man out of the fire from hell. This was Sepp Blatter. He stared Prince Ali in the eyes. Then he snapped his fingers and another figure emerged. The white Michael Jackson (he looked the same in Zombie form) appeared with a boombox. The group then did the full 14-minute Thriller music video with Blatter at the front and on lead vocals. 142 football federations from across the world all stood up and applauded, inadvertently showing off their new, expensive jewellery. Prince Ali dropped out of the race and Zombie Sepp Blatter won. Moral of the story: No matter what form he is in, Sepp Blatter will forever be the president of FIFA.
As you saw from my previous prediction for last season which I am going to plug again <here> (Yep same reason as before. Carry on), I couldn’t be arsed doing March so I provided a random West Ham fact. This is pretty much the same here. So here is my fact, and be ready to put seatbelts on your brain because it’s about to go on the ride of its life: Alan Curbishley’s real name is not Alan. It’s actually Llewelyn. His middle name isn’t even Alan. It’s George. Mind = Blown.
There were 3 London derbies for the Hammers this month. First one was a 1-1 draw with Crystal Palace, followed by a loss against Arsenal and another draw against Man United. Against Leicester that same month, Seydou Doumbia scored in the 95th minute to make it 4-3 to the Hammers and celebrated by injecting his eyelids with LSD, making love to Slaven on the touchline then riding a unicorn into the sun. However, results elsewhere meant that Leicester, under the guidance of Sir Phillip Neville, had been crowned Premier League champions.
Looking back on this article, I haven’t really said much about the man, the myth, the legend Mr Sam Allardyce. After he was relieved of his duties as West Ham manager, he went on a couple of months of soul searching in the Middle East. He then went to Tanzania where he met a tribe in the rainforest and converted to Judaism. The tribe, known as the Okocha Tribe, then showed Big Sam a way to make a mind control drug using the venom of a snake, frogspawn and the urine of a virgin sacrifice. He then travelled to Spain (yes it was in a Ford Fiesta) and drugged Rafa Benitez into thinking that he is a reincarnation of Paul Walker and asked him to do a 3-point turn at 90mph. He was then given the Madrid job and brought in Kevin Nolan, Ricardo Vaz Te and Carlton Cole. Getting the club knocked out in the CL group stages and leaving them 16th in the league, he was sacked and fled into hiding in Vietnam. He was starved for 8 days where he met some middle-class English pricks on a gap yahhh playing the guitar to an orphanage and devoured them alive, much to the delight of the orphans, some of whom said that those dreadlocked, Tory white kids from Surrey were worse than watching their parents murdered before their very eyes. He was rewarded with the option to become President of Vietnam, but he died of high cholesterol before he could accept.
It was the day that everyone knew was coming but no one wanted it to. 112 years at the Boleyn Ground and it was time for the finale against Swansea City. West Ham needed to win both of the games remaining to even stand a chance of competing for 4th place with Arsenal (who were running away with BPA after Per Mertesacker called Piers Morgan a phone hacking cuntpickle) and Swansea was not going to be easy and it was gonna be emotional. Upton Park was treated by performances from famous fans such as Pixie Lott, Eurovision winner Louis Sorrell-Wilde and a boxing match between Hammers fans Russell Brand and Lennox Lewis, much to the delight of pretty much everyone who has ever lived.
Local lad Mark Noble led the Hammers team out with a tear in his eye as the fans sang “I’m forever blowing bubbles” for the last time at Upton Park. Suddenly the ground went dark. A chill passed over all the fans in the stadium. A white light appeared. It was Karren Brady in ghost form. She yelled out “You all killed me. So now it is payback. The move to the Olympic Stadium will cripple this poor excuse of a club and you will perish into an eternity of nothingness.” Then she re-enacted the pottery scene from Ghost with Zombie David Gold. Luckily our saviour Slaven was on hand and killed the already dead Brady as DG turned into rust. West Ham went 1-0 up from a Noble penalty before Demba Ba, who was only signed as his name incites pleasure for the Welsh fans, equalised. The final goal at Upton Park was scored by 17-year-old Reece Oxford, who changed his name by deed poll from 16-year-old Reece Oxford after having a birthday, with a powerful header. And that was the end of Upton Park before the move to the Olympic Stadium will be finalised at the beginning of next season. Rest In Beast Upton Park. I’m sure you’re up in heaven with a smile on your face doing lines with Cecil the lion xx.
On the final day at Stoke away, West Ham had to better Arsenal’s result to finish 4th. Arsenal could only manage a draw against whoever they were against (my wifi is bad so I can’t look it up soz) meaning West Ham only needed a draw against Stoke to finish 4th. Carl Jenkinson, on bail from a South Sudanese concentration camp, scored a hat-trick to deny his parent club a Champions League spot. He celebrated his 3rd by lifting up his shirt to reveal a message “ARSENE WENGER LOOKS LIKE A RAISIN PEDOPHILE”.
And that concludes the season. Here is the final Premier League table:
4) West Ham
6) Man United
9) Man City
20) West Brom
And that concludes my 2015/16 predictions. If you liked it, follow me on Twitter @_CarltonCole9. If you didn’t like it then fuck off. And just remember: ALL HAIL SLAVEN. EYE FOR THE BLIND. FEEDER FOR THE HUNGRY. UNDER HIS LEADERSHIP WE SHALL REACH NEW HEIGHTS