Sex Tapes, Drugs and Slaven Bilic: The sequel part 2 – 2016/17
Twitter hero @_CarltonCole9 returns with the latest instalment of the infamous ‘Sex Tapes, Drugs and Slaven Bilic’ series.
WARNING: THE FOLLOWING ARTICLE HAS EXCESSIVELY STRONG LANGUAGE, LIBELLOUS ACCUSATIONS AND ALL THAT. IF YOU WOULD THINK THIS MIGHT OFFEND, DON’T BOTHER READING ON YOU INCESTUOUS OXYGEN THIEF.
Yeah it’s this time of the year again. The third section of a trilogy is always shit isn’t it? Like who remembers anything that happened in Harry Potter and The Prisoner Of Azkaban? That was a seven-ilogy and I couldn’t be arsed reading past that, predominantly because it’s a kids book and if you still read it, you have the mental capacity of a 4 year old who swallows crayons and has multi-coloured Picasso-esque shits. Or even Home Alone. Home Alone 3 doesn’t even have Macauley Culkin in (as he was probably busy snorting a cocktail of cocaine and the ashes of Michael Jackson screaming “WHY DID MY PARENTS LEAVE ME ALONE WITH HIM!”) and let’s be honest, no one ever saw that. I had to Google “Top 10 Bad Trilogies” just to make that excuse for a joke. I didn’t even know there was a Home Alone 2. How can you leave your child at home twice in 3 years without alerting social services? I would honestly trust my children with Kate & Gerry McCann rather than the McAllister family.
Anyway, as you can tell, I am really unenthusiastic about writing a 3rd STDASB. However, ever since WHUFCTV.com got killed by copyright people (RIP bro) and I offered to have my predictions from last year re-published on Read West Ham, they have been pestering me to write another one, to which I have been declining. As a last resort, they kidnapped me and I am now in a prison cell alongside some bird named Marina Joyce and they are currently pointing a gun at me and forcing me to type. So here we go.
AUGUST:
August started, and with it came the fresh whiff of a new season, new signings and of course, a new ground. It’s sort of like optimism Leonardo Di Caprio had when he boarded the Titanic. Just a small commoner managing to compete with the upper class, only for it to steer itself into an iceberg. And just like that, I’ve saved you 3 hours of life that you would have spent watching that. You’re welcome.
Anyway, in true West Ham style, our search for this mythical “marquee striker” came to a close with the announcement of Andre Ayew, who isn’t even a striker. Peak West Ham. As for an actual striker, it was physically impossible to contact both Carlos Bacca and Alexandre Lacazette as it was in the terms of their restraining orders against David Sullivan, meaning the only senior strikers West Ham had were Andy Carroll and his injuries, Diafra Sakho and his mental stability of a falcon on LSD, and Enner Valencia and his footballing abilities similar to those of Walt Jr from Breaking Bad.
As for the Premier League football, it started with Hull v Leicester, a game which 5 years ago would not have been shown on Sky, but rather to patients at in Africa where they can’t afford anaesthesia. The game finished 1-0 with a Wes Morgan header proving decisive, however it was overshadowed by a drunk Claudio Ranieri, who’s coffee got spiked with Jamie Vardy’s WKD Blue, got fined for public indecency after whipping out his Dilly Ding Dilly Dong whist riding the corner flag and singing “Tarzan Boy” by Baltimora, before engaging in P2PBSH.
West Ham started off with a game against Chelsea and they started off with a win. This was due to the hair transplant of new rentboys’ boss Antonio Conte suddenly becoming self aware and started gnawing at his hollow skull, giving him severe, permanent brain damage. Mark Noble scored a hat-trick of penalties as the semi-retarded Conte told N’Golo Kante that the whole point of football was to give away penalties. After the game Conte, who’s brain was now as fully-functioning as Pele’s flaccid penis, started chasing Eden Hazard around the pitch as he thought it was actually Eden the Charizard and he was seen throwing corner flags at the Belgian screaming “I GOTTA CATCH ‘EM ALL”. In the first Premier League game at the Olympic/London/Tesco/Mahindra Stadium, Bournemouth came away victorious as goals from Alexandre Lacazette and Eden Hazard scored on their debuts in front of their new owners, a consortium consisting of Kim Jong-Un and the Brunei Royal Family. However we finished the month strongly, with Man City’s new signing John Stones announcing his retirement from football to focus on his art career and art tournament, known as the JohnStones Paint Trophy, leaving a hole in the City defence. A hole which Andre Ayew penetrated with enough brute force to make Ched Evans go “Awwwwww Sheeeeeiiiiiitttt”. West Ham ended the month in 5th place.
SEPTEMBER:
It was the bi-annual transfer deadline day, or Jim White Day as it is known to people who weren’t hugged enough as a child. The main signing of deadline day was the transfer of Luka Modric to the Democratic People’s Republic of Bournemouth for £58million and the promise not to harm any of Modric’s family. In an exclusive interview to North Korean state television, the Croatian said “It has always been my dream to play at the Vitality stadium. When I was a child, starving in the capitalist pig society of Yugoslavia, I went to sleep with a poster of James Hayter hanging above my head.” The long running saga of the marquee signing for West Ham came to a close. As no-one wanted to sign Diafra Sakho due to his injury record, his poor goal scoring record and his wife-beating record, all the scouts were made redundant due to money being tight and they were replaced with David Gold playing Football Manager 16. However, as you can gather from his tweets, he is one senile bastard and he was actually playing Football Manager 06 and West Ham signed Freddy Adu and Tonton Zola-Moukoko for a combined £27million.
September started off as it usually does, with the tedious international break to see England play against some shithole of a European country who’s only relevance is their shit eurodance song that drags out the Eurovision Song Contest. But this has a special element as England had a new manager. The half-man, half-gravy sweating blob Sam Allardyce. Up first was Slovakia, a country where the currency is goats and milk. Big Sam wrote the names of his first squad on the back of a KFC napkin and when it was leaked to the press, one name stood out among the rest. Mark Noble. As you could imagine, this sent West Ham fans into complete meltdown. West Ham Central was seen lying on the floor crying. When he heard about the news, James Corden melted back into a blob of jelly-like ectoplasm.
The game against Slovakia had Mark Noble starting off on the bench to make room for new captain Kevin Nolan. He came off the bench to a standing ovation from all 12 fans at Wembley and with his first touch, he majestically struck the ball into the goal from 25 yards before spotting Roy Hodgson in the crowd and karate chopping his saggy chin.
Then the football started, and West Ham started off against West Brom in the West derby. Incredibly Freddy Adu, a man who’s been an attacker at more clubs than a drunk Marlon King, scored the only goal of the game. Wins against Watford and Southampton further consolidated West Ham’s position at the top of the Premier League and things were looking good. But of course, this is West Ham, and of course it’s not gonna last. It’s even in our own song “…and like my dreams they fade and die.” We are destined for failure and you deluded fuckers still think we can become a big club. Lmao.
OCTOBER:
Shit. Just been proofreading this article and I’ve realised that I haven’t mentioned anything about our Europa League adventure. We originally got knocked out by FC Astra after their new signing Keisuike Honda, a true engine of a man, drove a low free-kick past Adrian just before the brake, and accelerated into crowd for the celebration. However whilst celebrating, UEFA officials saw a brown liquid leaking out of his neck like a statue of a naked cherub spurting water out of it’s mouth in the home of a Tory sex offender. UEFA investigated it and it turns out that the Romanians had been feeding the Japanese diesel instead of his regular unleaded and they were subsequently kicked out of the league, West Ham qualified instead of them and got drawn in a group with Partizani Tirana, SønderjyskE and FK Vulkasci. 2 of those are real teams, 1 I made up by tapping my keyboard with my eyes closed, and the truth is, you have no idea which one is which. And this is why the Europa League isn’t as good as you might think.
The league month in October started off badly with a loss against Boro and Reece Oxford got into a bit of trouble with Crystal Palace. Crystal Palace is the name of a meth emporium in South London and 17-year old Reece Oxford, who was in the process of legally changing his name from 17-year old Reece Oxford to just “Reece Oxford”, was in a bit of debt to them so they smashed his kneecaps and sent him into early retirement. This was the night before the game against Crystal Palace, where Winston Reid played like he had smashed his kneecaps and Palace won 4-1. The month ended with a game against Everton, overshadowed by Dimitri Payet breaking James McCarthy’s legs in 3 places, and then urinating all over the Irishman’s distorted leg and, along with Cheikhou Kouyate, singing the “We’ve Got Payet” chant. Although Payet got a 6 match ban (Kouyate only got a 3 match ban for violent conduct as when he was finished urinating on McCarthy near the centre circle, he turned around and his ginormous schlong blinded a disabled kid named Zak behind the Everton goal) it was considered a spiritual victory.
Elsewhere, both Tesco and Mahindra pulled out of the running to acquire the naming rights for the Olympic Stadium as they both realised how dreadful the stadium would sound. West Ham offered the fans to vote in the name of the new stadium, and the poll was concluded that the multi-million pound sports venue would be named “The Harambe Memorial Stadium”, which narrowly defeated “Stadium McStadiumface”.
NOVEMBER:
November 2016 will probably be known as the month that was the beginning of the end for West Ham, but also the world. But let’s start off with the world. The USA general elections were underway and the country had a choice between an orange megalomaniac and a corrupt old lady, which is sort of like having to choose between hiring Adam Johnson or Chris Benoit as your babysitter. But as bad as the Clinton-Kaine partnership is, they can still be Tottenham’s strike force for Champions League games, and would probably be better as a president than a racist, fluorescent incestuous man with Paul Scholes’ pubic hair stapled to his scalp. But with US elections, there’s always one thing you have to keep in mind. Americans are stupid, and Donald Trump became President of the USA and the most powerful man in the world. Fuck.
As for West Ham, the performances weren’t too bad. A win against Stoke kicked the month off. However in the West Ham Tottenham derby match, there was confusion as there were 3 teams on the pitch. However, Derby soon realised they were in the wrong place in the wrong division and left the stadium. The game was drawn 1-1 after a Manuel Lanzini rabona was cancelled out by a Harry Kane goal from a direct corner, the most relevant thing he has done since killing Curley’s wife. The main problems were off the pitch. David Gold and David Sullivan announced that they were to sell West Ham, their main reason was cited as a tweet from a man called @DaveTheHammer66, who’s bio reads “Stressed, Depressed, West ‘Am obsessed. Likes West Ham and Steak. Hates muslims #VOTEUKIP”, which was tweeted to David Gold saying “gold andsulivan OUT!!!!” Gold said “This really struck a cord. If DaveTheHammer66 has lost faith in us, then it’s time to go”. They sold to the first buyer, recent lottery winner, morbidly obese former footballer an full time West Ham hater Frank Lampard. As they had finally got rid of West Ham, Gold and Sullivan resumed back into reptilian form whilst Brady consoled herself by digging up the body of Maggie Thatcher, her role model in being a Tory witch, burning her skeleton and sniffing the ashes.
Another way that November 2016 will be remembered for the world ending is that in an attempt to stay relevant, Roy Hodgson released a sex tape with an anonymous prostitute. The tape was like England in all of his international tournaments: painful to watch, boring and finished quickly. This PR stunt backfired spectacularly as when this was released, Roy Hodgson was evicted from the Big Brother house (despite not actually entering the show, his wife left him and he just wanted somewhere to stay) and the prostitute in the video lost her job as Prime Minister of the United Kingdom.
DECEMBER:
Frank Lampard’s mission of ruining West Ham got off with a bang as despite a 6-0 win over Arsenal and the club in 4th place in the league, Lampard sacked Slaven Bilic, saying that “When I was a youngster at West Ham, Bilic and Julian Dicks made me do unthinkable stuff. This included telling Harry Redknapp, my uncle, that I had sexual feelings for Sandra, my biological Auntie. He then called me a ‘fackin incestuous poofter’ and then slapped 50 shades of shit out of me. He still feels hostile towards me. Even now at Christmas he spits in the couscous before giving it to me. Shocking behaviour”. Bilic was replaced on a permanent basis by Dave Jr and Jack Sullivan (who were not reptilians like Dave Sr as he was not their biological father. Paul Peschisolido is). Their first task was to beat Liverpool at Anfield again. The Hammers got off to a bad start as Wijnaldum scored, but Emre Can’t make a tackle in the penalty area without conceding a foul. Mark Noble scored the resulting penalty. But in the 89th minute, Liverpool loanee Steven Gerrard slipped and gave the ball to Michail Antonio who scored and relegated Liverpool in December as they got docked 10 points for refusing to play a game, 9 points for entering administration and an extra 21 points because the FA wanted to round it up to the nearest 50. But West Ham’s season turned for the worse quicker than Paul Walker in a drag race and they ended the month with 3 consecutive losses to Hull, Burnley and Leicester.
Elsewhere it was time for the BBC Sports Personality Of The Year. It looked certain to be going to someone who did well in the Olympics like Mo Farah or someone (I dunno because the Athletics bollocks hasn’t started at the time I wrote this article) but a late entry from Scott Dann deservedly won it. In a game between Chelsea and Crystal Palace, Dann went in for a 50/50 tackle with Diego Costa and subsequently snapped his legs in half, ending the Spaniards career and earning a standing ovation from the crowd. He was also given a knighthood for his services to football over the incident.
JANUARY:
It was the winter transfer window or, as West Ham fans know it, January. West Ham continued their search for a striker but in the process got 2 more restraining orders from Loïc and Mauro Icardi. Freddy Adu was sold for £45million to Bournemouth and Frank Lampard continued his anti-West Ham agenda by selling Mark Noble to Spurs in a straight swap deal for Nabil Bentaleb. However, comets the hour, cometh the man, and West Ham found their marquee striker. The greatest there is, there was, and there ever will be. West Ham’s new front man, Nikica Jelavic.
On the pitch, things were going quite poorly. The new year started off with 2 home London derbies and 2 losses against a Sir Scott Dann inspired Crystal Palace and Man United. Up next was Man City and Middlesbrough, Pep Guardiola’s former and current team. First up was a 1-1 draw against Tony Pulis’ Man City side and then a 3-0 loss against Guardiola’s Boro. West Ham needed a fairytale Prince to get saved from the evil hands of Lampard.
Elsewhere in politics, there was a first NATO meeting for the new U.S. president Donald Trump and the new UK prime minister Carlton Cole. However it ended in a fistfight as Trump said that Cole “…is the worst black thing to happen to the UK since the Black Plague.” Cole then battered the living shit out of Trump, accidentally ripping off his mask and inadvertently revealing that Trump was in fact Sacha Baron Cohen and that the character was just “a joke that went a bit too far.”
FEBRUARY:
Andy Carroll scored the winning goal against Southampton in the 88th minute and celebrated with a knee-slide. During the slide he pulled his hamstring and then all the other players jumped on top of him, somehow managing to break all of the 206 bones in his body. This led to West Ham’s annual striker crisis. Ayew was in the Ghanain African Cup Of Nations side, where a witch doctor cursed his left leg making it fall off his body and start tap dancing on Robert Mugabe’s grave. Diafra Sakho’s state of mind got so bad that in the game against Hull he was sat by the corner flag telling it about the 3 month period where he was good at football, before snapping it in half and making a snapchat story about how it anti-semitcally abused him. Enner Valencia retired from football to go back to his day job; selling aftershave near the urinals of a nightclub. The thing I said about Jelavic being a marquee striker was a joke. He’s dogshite isn’t he? But West Ham may have found their new striker in Michail Antonio. In the game against Watford, Antonio scored a hat-trick whilst playing up-front, right wing, right-back, centre-back, goalkeeper, midwife to a woman in the crowd who entered labour during the game and he performed open heart surgery to West Brom manager Gary Neville all in 90 minutes.
Off the pitch there were troubles for West Ham as well. Angelo Ogbonna got arrested and charged with assault after he slapped Joey O’Brien who, after various bad career moves, became leader of Crystal Palace (the meth house, not the mediocre prem team). In court, Ogbonna said “The only person I’ve ever assaulted was the Liverpool defence in the FA Cup 120th minute last season” before running round the court giving high fives to the jury. The judge cleared him of all chances because Ogbonna has good banters.
MARCH:
I can’t be arsed doing March.
APRIL:
West Ham started off the month with a win against Hull which meant that the East Yorkshire side were relegated and will forever go down in the history of the Premier League as the most irrelevant team in the league. However in the next 3 games of the month, the Sullivan brothers tried a risk and played a 4-2-4 because it was Jack’s favourite formation on FIFA career mode and played a centre back pairing of Reece Burke and Martin Ødegaard because they have an 87 and 92 potential rating on FIFA career mode respectively. However Burke is still at the early stages of his career and Ødegaard (oh yeah. He signed. I forgot to mention it but yeah that happened) is actually a playmaker not a centre-back, meaning he could on play on 4 chemistry assuming he got green links to the other players. West Ham lost 5-2 to Arsenal, 6-1 to Swansea and 5-1 to Sunderland. The pundits were saying that West Ham had the worst defence since Oscar Pistorius’ lawyer got him to waddle on his stumps in court to try and gain sympathy. Lampard finally realised that the Sullivan’s were as useful as the aforementioned Pistorius’ leg razor and they were sacked. Lampard decided to do a poll so West Ham fans could vote who they wanted their new manager to be. Once again, Harambe the gorilla won, proving that West Ham fans are a bunch of degenerates. Lampard decided to make up with Bilic and persuaded him to give up his other job of being that creepy French guy who stands at the door in the C4 show First Dates, and Bilic agree to be West Ham manager. Bilic had other ideas and when shaking his hand, he attached a sharp spike to his hand which pierced Lampard’s hand, killing him. Bilic stood over Lampard’s dying body, whispered the Brutus “It must be by his death…” soliloquy from Shakespeare’s “Julius Caesar”, before finishing him off with an elbow drop, then editing his will to give the Croatian all of Lampard’s assets (including West Ham) and then he fucked Christine Bleakley. Twice. Because that’s what Bilic does. And I dare you to say otherwise.
Bilic led us into the Europa League semi-final where we played Inter Milan. As Bilic was back in charge, the players’ spirits were lifted and won the home leg 3-1 and drew 0-0 in the away leg which meant West Ham were in their first major final since 2006 where Steven Gerrard scored from 30 yards out and made you cry. Lmao.
Back in September, the Team GB Paralympic squad – which combined disabled athletes from England, a country where the country is haggis and cardiac arrest, another country where the currency is sheep Viagra and another country which I physically can’t make a currency joke over because it’s only relevance is being the Republic of Ireland’s bitch – had overwhelming success in track events. However the WADA (World Anti-Doping Association – also known as that bunch of fucking grasses) found a shocking revelation. Apparently several wheelchair sprinters were found guilty for having traces of WD-40. Team GB were disqualified from the next Paralympics in Japan (currency: octopus porn) even though the UK will fold within the next 3 years. Rule Britannia
MAY:
On the 1st of May, the world woke up to the news that President Trump/World Domination King Donald J Trump had been assassinated by UK Prime Minister Carlton Cole, who sneaked ricin into his morning drink of blood of Mexican children. This news was celebrated throughout the world. However, because the world court of law (don’t have wifi atm so I can’t check their names but I bet it’s a shit acronym) are humourless twats, Cole was sentenced to 33 years in jail. The number 33 was picked because of how many touches of the ball Cole had at Celtic. But that would be the end of that. No more would a plump, racist, power-hungry white man with a dead fox on their head ever try to become world leader. Oh wait I forgot to mention. After Cole was removed as Prime Minister, Boris Johnson took over. It’s like Groundhog Day all over again.
The season finished with 2 wins against Spurs and Liverpool and 1 loss to Burnley, who subsequently secured a Champions League place. West Ham finished 9th, which isn’t bad considering we had 2 teenagers guiding a Premier League team for the majority of the season. But at least we had the Europa League final against Sevilla. The game started with a goal from Wissam Ben Yedder. You know, the guy Bilic said was too small? They doubled their lead with Ben Yedder. Then tripled it with Ben Yedder. Yeah we fucked up there. In the 2nd half though, goals from Cresswell and Payet made in 3-2, and Nikica Jelavic equalised to make it West Hamstanbul. In the 90th minute, West Ham had a corner, Payet swung it in, Carroll nodded it across the face of goal and Darren Randolph, flying in like he was about to attack the World Trade Centre, got a touch on the ball and it went in. God knows what he was doing up there in the 90th minute when we were drawing and going into extra time, but oh well, we won the Europa League and got Champions League football next season. New West Ham re-signing Mark Noble lifted the trophy because he’s #loyal.
Anyway, this was the final Premier League table:
1) Bournemouth
2) Tottenham
3) Arsenal
4) Burnley
5) Chelsea
6) Spurs
7) Man City
8) Everton
9) West Ham
10) Leicester
11) Sunderland
13) Stoke
14) Newcastle
15) Man Utd
16) Boro
17) Swansea
18) Palace
19) Hull
20) Liverpool
And that’s the end of my predictions article. Thank fuck I don’t have to do that for another year. If you want to follow me, it’s @_CarltonCole9. If not, your Mum hates you. Now go away